Friday, August 29, 2008

A special treat for you

Today I have a guest post from my friend and neighbor, MeLissa Thresher. We are lucky to have her here- she volunteers everywhere and is always the first one to offer help where it is needed. And, she is hilarious, even in the throes of pain. Here, see for yourselves:

The Kidney Stone Saga.....

Today I felt so good around 3 pm that I naively supposed I must have passed my kidney stones without realizing it.

About 5 pm I started having some strange sensations that I attributed to the lack of chocolate in my system so I ate some.

About 7pm I had the slight notion that perhaps things were not going as well as I thought in my plumbing region.

Currently, 1 a.m., I am in the unmistakable and maniacal grip of the kidney stone fairy who is trying to scrape its way down my pipes. IT HURTS! I am on percocet (took a dose early even) and it still hurts!

My husband, who has suffered this at least 3 times prior, once told me it could be likened to having a baby. I was less than sympathetic and told him unless his kidney stone was the size of a watermelon coming out his hootie-hoo, it was not comparable and stop making such asinine comparisons. I AM NOW WILLING TO SUBMIT! And, I feel totally guilty for those smug thoughts during his traumatic illness.

I am making deals with God at this point and we are now up to agreeing never to miss another church service in my life, and I am afraid volunteering to help with Sunday School is going to pop up unless this terrorizing grip of pain is availed soon.

I know this will not kill me, but I am stunningly close to wondering if death would be a sweet release. Not that I would want to leave my children or my husband mind you. I promised him a few more torturous years than this.

I thought that chocolate could help the situation, but it is strangely ineffective. That is curious since I thought it had such magical properties. Maybe I just need some good Belgian chocolate....hmmm. However, if I ever stop feeling like a razor blade is running down to my bladder, I will probably give chocolate the credit.

I also thought typing on a computer like a mad women would help, but it is not working either. Maybe I can make myself feel better by googling the idiot who printed "Have a Happy Period" on my tampon covers and sign him up for every magazine subscription under the least it would pass the time.

By the way, I have been a tad irritable during this ordeal. Mark already made the mistake of saying "Don't worry honey, this too shall pass". He should be recovered in time to move the magazines to the post office for us on Friday...unless he makes another corny remark to me.

Well the percocet is starting to kick in, I guess I will try to go back to bed. Have a happy night........or should I say morning.

A Very Grouchy MeLissa

PS: For those of you living in my building, if you hear a loud scream later this will probably be me..........or Mark if he wakes up corny

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