Sunday, November 8, 2009

Facebitch

I am a reluctant Facebook user. If you've been around for a while you might remember when I became assimilated, virtually against my will. At first, it was great. I felt oh-so-cool and in the know. Then, I started knowing just a little too much, if you get my drift. I've read tons of 'What not to post on Facebook' posts, and probably all of them are way better than mine. Products from Asian sweatshops are always inferior, but it's my blog and I have to post SOMETHING, now don't I? Oh, the humanity!

I don't mind the cute kid stories, and I'm a big fan of pictures. I am not even going to complain about the 'I had pancakes for breakfast and now I'm going to the movies' posts. On my DO NOT LIKE list are all the usual:

The I won another cooking contest/my kid got another A++++/my husband got another promotion and all the other 'WE'RE SO SWELL; AREN'T YOU JEALOUS' updates that used to be saved up for the Christmas letter that could be crumpled up ONCE and recycled immediately instead of spent tormenting people throughout the entire year;

The TMI posts. I don't want to know many, many things. In fact, I don't even want to list the things I don't want to know, because it might give someone an idea;

Imaginary presents. If I can't even give them to the thrift store, they are totally useless; and

Cryptic crap. If you have something to say, come out and say it, dammit!

But I have a bigger problem; one I'm loathe to admit, but once again, I have to post SOMETHING, now don't I? Sometimes, the things my friends post make me like them a little bit less. Which I DO NOT LIKE. All my friends are 'real' friends, too, not 'friends' like the girl that sat next to me in sophomore English. Because she was a real bitch. And even worse are the friends of friends; some of them are real wackos and it makes me wonder what the hell my friends are thinking, being friends with such freaks.

I have a solution, though. I'll tell you what it is but it will have to be our little secret, okay? Okay, here it is: I hide my friends when they annoy me. Like a little time-out that only I know about. After I deem them sufficiently punished, I unhide them. It's very satisfying, you should try it. Only not to me, because that would be rude, after I told you my secret and all. And I have another strategy: friend rotation. Facebook has done me the favor of listing them alphabetically, so I'm going to hide them in groups of ten or so and rotate them to keep them fresh and interesting, like I do for my kids' toys. That way, it takes the edge off the NOT LIKING, and we can stay friends. And that, I LIKE.







10 comments:

Wendy Hawksley said...

Hiding friends? Do you mean like in the chat? I avoid the chat entirely. Other than that, I'm not sure how to hide friends...

My sister had to unfriend someone who is annoyingly know-it-all. Then I got the "where did she go" email from the unfriended person.

I don't mind the every once in a while "I'm so great!" status updates, because I know I do them every so often too.

But I have on friend in particular who goes on and on... and on... and on about how gifted his children are. SO annoying. Like his family isn't a real family, but the Cleavers, you know?

Lauren said...

It was Jack and the Beanstalk wasn't it? C'mon you can tell me....

Anna said...

If you look to the right of someone's status update, there's a little button that says 'hide'. You can hide an application they're using, like a quiz or game, or hide their entire news feed. To unhide, you go to 'edit options' at the bottom right of the page, under all the latest updates and click on 'add news feed', and they are unhidden.

Anna said...

Oh, and Lauren, I definitely have some comments on Jack and the Beanstalk, but I think it really deserves an entire post..... heehee

Wendy Hawksley said...

Ah ha! Thanks! I'm not really Facebook savvy. I'd dump it entirely if not for the family members who would whine (my sister and mother).

The Martin Family said...

If it makes you feel any better, I just read a comment from someone I went to highschool with, talking about how she was at a party, and was looking for her friend. Someone said to her, "There is someone passed out by the bathroom with a red shirt and a shaved crotch. Is that who you are looking for?" If that isn't TMI, then I don't know what is!!

Anna Jane said...

Anna, you only reinforce my desire to avoid the facebook realm...well, I still sneak a peek from Dan's :P

Helen said...

I have so many things to say about this post, but I don't know where to start. I do the same thing and have recently considered unfriending some people because I know too much about them. On the other hand, I love a good train wreck.

Amanda said...

I too am a reluctant Facebook user. I allowed some people to be my "friends" because we went to high school together, and it was a small school, we all know each other, and we've grown up right? Wrong. They still don't talk to me, so I unfriended people. The less eye pollution on there the better.

Amanda said...

I too am a reluctant Facebook user. I allowed some people to be my "friends" because we went to high school together, and it was a small school, we all know each other, and we've grown up right? Wrong. They still don't talk to me, so I unfriended people. The less eye pollution on there the better.