Mrs. Osan Entry 2

For your viewing pleasure, here is a recent pageant entry in the 'Shiniest' category. This Osan lovely glows with the best of them, don't you think?

Mrs. Osan Pageant update and Entry 1

The 'Queen of the Kitchen' category has been changed to the Talent Competition.

This was so the pageant doesn't discriminate against cooking-challenged entrants, such as our lovely Mrs.Osan number 1, who submitted the 'before' and 'after' photos showcasing her housekeeping skills.

Send in your entry today, and don't forget that frozen ground beef recipe! I mean, come on, people! Help me out here.

Here She Comes

Osan in August is pretty dull. And humid. And bug-ridden. Other than that it's a really great place, but it could use a little livening up. Fortunately, I got a brilliant idea at the playground this afternoon. No, really, it's true this time; not like that ridiculous poetry idea at all.

Okay, here it is. Are you ready for it? It's the Mrs. Osan Pageant! Something like the better known (but not for long) Miss American pageant, only better. Of course, I had to make some changes to the concept and categories because our pageant will be in a venue quite different than an air-conditioned casino in Atlantic City. Also because the Miss America pageant is stupid beyond words.

First, the competition isn't restricted by age or gender. Stories from Korea, the pageant sponsor, has a strict 'don't ask, don't tell' policy about both of those things, so gentleman of Osan, get your applications ready!

Here are the categories, a brief description, and instructions about how to enter:

Shiniest: We all glisten around here, but some of you ladies (and you know who you are!) really have that golden glow. Send in a photo of yourself at your moistest, and/or measure and submit your sweat volume over a 24-hour period.

Scabbiest: Mosquitoes around here really leave their mark. If you bump up nicely, then claw at yourself until you bleed, this is your category! Check out the picture; I'm the walking scab to beat, so don't get your hopes up. Enter with a photo. Please, no scabs shoved under my door.

Queen of the Kitchen: The recipe that gets a meal based on frozen ground beef to the table the fastest wins. Send me the recipe. Before dinnertime, if possible.

The Rain Boot competition: The most stylish monsoon boots take the prize. Send a photo or drop the boots off. Entries become the property of the sponsor. Extra credit for size 9's.

Miss Schizophrenic: This goes to the craziest summer story. Have you taken two or more kids on a trip halfway around the world, by yourself, maybe even space-A*? Done something else that is totally nuts? Send in your story to win the prize.

Ex-Osanites and other members of society are permitted, nay, encouraged, to participate. I'm waiting for those entries, so go ahead and send them in right away. Especially the frozen ground beef recipe. Right now would be great. Seriously, right now. I'm waiting. Go ahead. Someone? Anyone? Dammit.

*Space-A stands for space available and refers to almost free travel on military aircraft. As you might expect, there are a million catches. You can read some hilarious accounts of such ill-conceived trips here and here.

Compulsion

***************FREAK ALERT**********

Okay, I am the first one to admit that I'm a little bit crazy but even I think this is a little extra nuts: Ever since I posted my poem, 'Vision: Ode to my new yellow purse' yesterday I have felt COMPELLED to explain to everyone that yes, I know the poem is TERRIBLE. I revel in its awfulness; that is the whole POINT, and yet I feel like I have to tell everyone I KNOW it is horrible, lest anyone think I think it is a real poem.

**Thank you for your attention. Real post coming soon; freak level to be determined.**

Vision: Ode to my new yellow purse

I woke up this morning and said,
Korea again? Still? Oh, the despair!
Don't fret, they all said,
Go for a shop!
This is the land of fake purses aplenty;
it will cheer you right up!
Hmmmm, I thought, no fan of full price
It's Tuesday again, I'll hit the thrift!
And there it was,
my muse, my delight
Just the right size,
yellow, black and white
My heart sings with joy,
my wallet brims!
Shhhh, just don't tell Kate!

Thrift Store Kate Spade knockoff: $3
Composing appalling poetry and drinking wine on a balmy Korean night: Priceless

Chaos Family Rules

I decided to password protect Chaos Family Rules. If you'd like access to it and don't yet have it, please let me know and I will add you to the reader list.

Moving on out

Do you know what this picture is? Do you? This is Lloyd hauling some stuff out of our storage room in extremely early preparation for our move. We didn't really plan to start moving today; it just seemed like a good idea. Here's how it happened:

Lloyd: Hey, we haven't grilled at all this year.
Me: Yeah, I was just thinking maybe we should move the grill off the deck so we have more room out there; it's pretty cramped.
Lloyd: Should we put it in the storage room? I'll have to move some stuff around in there.
We investigate storage room.
Me: A lot of that stuff goes to the thrift store. You could take it right now.
Lloyd: Yeah, okay. Hey, we don't need that Christmas tree, do we? And what about that car seat? Let's get rid of all of it! We're moving soon anyway.
We fill up the hallway with piles of crap.
Lloyd: Can I take those broken cabinet doors?
Me: No! I need those. For a project.
Lloyd rolls his eyes, then hauls junk out of the hallway for a very long time.

So all of this might make you think we are moving soon. And we are, if by soon, you mean long, interminable months from now. How many months, you might wonder. The answer is: So many that to write it will just depress me beyond words. Where are you moving to, you might wonder. The answer is: We have no idea! Does this make the time pass even more slowly? The answer is: Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. But at least we have a roomy deck and a clean storage room. And the thrift store has another pile of crap. All's well that ends well, I always say.